G.U.I.L.T.

Being a first-born child of Scandinavian descent, I've always been really good at guilt. It got kicked up a notch after becoming a mom. But since having Maggie things have gone to a whole new level. I am tormented thinking about Audrey's birth and infancy, now that I'm doing things the "right way" with Maggie, and now that I've read WAY to many parenting books and articles in between. Poor Danny is very tired of hearing about the Permanent Psychological Damage I'm inflicting on our children.

If I was a mom that had really wanted to go back to work, or had no choice but to do so financially, I don't think I would be having this guilt. But somewhere along the way in my pregnancy I misplaced my brain. Majorly. I have no other way to explain WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED in my decision making.

Really, the reason must have been ego. "Heather, take this job, you'll be great, WE NEED YOU." Stupid ego! So I went against all my other feelings and took the job, which I already knew was a stressy, miserable one, even before adding a baby. I get SO mad thinking about all my energy and emotion that went into that place instead of into bonding with and being with my baby. Idiot!!! We never even crunched the numbers, just went along blindly with the mainstream notion of having to be two income. IDIOTS!

If I hadn't been working I could have gone to a new moms' group and gotten some much-needed support, probably would have figured out baby-wearing, might have avoided Audrey's major medical emergency because I would have been more tuned in, etc.

After having Maggie at home, I also feel tremendous guilt for the long, stressful hospital birth that was Audrey's entry into the world, plus all the crap they did to her in the hospital and having to drag her around to doctor appointments the first couple weeks.

Fortunately, I wasn't ever away from Audrey all that much, even though I was attempting to work 50%. But I don't like that I left her, even for a few hours with Danny and my mom a few times, when she was only a couple months old. After that, she was mostly with me in the office. When she was around nine months we finally got a nanny, but I don't feel as bad about that because she was older.

It's really the quality of my time with her that really bothers me. That super-shitty super-stressful job took so much of my mental and emotional energy and prevented me from fully immersing myself in the mommy-baby thing.

I'm sure lack of sleep and some PPD plays a part in this. It is a vicious cycle. That guilt starts up, causes me to lose sleep, then I'm fatigued and become even more consumed by these worries, causing me to lose more sleep, etc.

I know I should be happy and thankful to have two beautiful, healthy girls, a nice warm house, caring husband, etc., and I am, and when I'm well-rested, well-fed, had a bit of sunshine and fresh air, then the guilt subsides. And doing that job probably did help us get into this house, and did allow me to meet some folks who are now dear friends that I might not otherwise have met.

I think once Maggie is no longer in the baby-phase, things will improve also. But I also think I will forever live with a little hole in my heart about squandering my time with Baby Audrey for a bit of money and a line on my resume.

**Addendum: I think my feeling on this started out as guilt, but I am now in "grief." Hopefully I'll get to the "acceptance" stage soon.

Also, this is not a judgment on anybody else's situation, but about me not being honest with myself (and others) about what I wanted and did want want.