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Tomorrow is the big day. Danny is going to the chop shop. This is a decision we have made--over and over. I'll feel all fine with it, but then the "what-ifs" start. What if we decide we do want three (or four)? What if something happens to Audrey or Maggie? What if something happens to me and Danny remarries? These are HORRIBLE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT. So I'm going to STOP thinking about them and just be OK with this decision.

It makes me happy AND sad to think about not ever being pregnant again. But mostly happy. My second pregnancy SUCKED and I heard from another mom (of three) that her pregnancies just kept getting worse. When I think about us maybe jumping the gun on this, I just remember being pregnant and then I'm on board with it again.

We are just such fertile people. We never even got to try making a baby because we get knocked up so easily. (So that's a bit of a bummer--would have been fun to get to work at it (although who am I kidding? When do I ever even WANT sex these days?).)

Even though the midwives told me I probably wouldn't get my period until the same duration of time had passed as when I got it back after Audrey, I didn't want to trust that/count on that. I think it will take at least 13 months again, but heard from a woman the other day who was also over a year with her first and TWO MONTHS with her second!! So, totally justified in my paranoia.

The main reasons we don't want more than two are environmental, financial and logistical. Danny especially is concerned about the "not contributing to population growth" reason. I'm down with that, too, but also share my mom's view that maybe we need some cool, intelligent, educated people reproducing at a higher rate to counter the wacko religious fundy overbreeders. Part of the overpopulation thing is thinking about just how many resources go into all the stuff it takes to raise a kid these days. And I'm really working on reducing our consumption of stuff around here (yet another blog forthcoming about that, I hope!).

Financial, of course, thinking about paying for private school (possibly) and college and all that above-mentioned stuff.

Logistically speaking, THESE KIDS ARE KICKING OUR ASSES!!! and we can't imagine juggling a THIRD. With just two, we can each pin one to the ground, wrestle one into a car seat, get them to sleep at night, muzzle their mouths, etc.

That said, I am feeling So. Baby. Crazy these days. SOB. I remember feeling the same way when Audrey was about the age Maggie is now. The thought of not having another pudgy, squishy, kissy bundle of joy makes me a little sad, as does not getting to watch all the big changes and development, not seeing another personality emerge. But, it is also making me soak up Maggie and Audrey right now, more than I would be otherwise. Everything else is less of a priority, AS IT SHOULD BE!

Of course, there's always adoption, too, and if we are ever in a position (family-wise and finance-wise) to do that, we will seriously think about it. There was just a hard-hitting series of articles in the paper here about the foster care system and it Broke. My. Heart. to read about what these kids, who have already suffered through so much, have to endure in the system AND in some of the foster homes themselves. And then I read an article about all the international refuge kids the US is supposed to take in and find foster homes for and how there are just too many right now. No shortage of kids needing help, and I don't expect those numbers to decrease any time soon.

So, all that being said, today, on the eve of The Procedure, as I call it, I'm feeling pretty OK about it. Danny summed it up as, Our odds of one of those Bad Things happening are a lot less than our odds of getting pregnant again. Also, I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for FOUR years, and will be for at least another year. I LOVE being a mom, and being home with the girls, and breastfeeding, and all the kiddo activities, but I'm beginning to feel little twinges of excitement when I think about getting a bit of my non-mom life back: hikes with girlfriends, BEER!, dinners out (w/out kids!), taking some classes.... I'll be ready for that next chapter, but for now am loving the current one.