California Breeding

Big Ass Baby

2010-03-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that my baby is HUGE?? When Maggie sits next to other babies about her age, it looks like she's going to eat them for lunch. And she's not all that gentle, grabbing at their faces, pulling hair. Made one cry today.

We haven't been on a scale in a while, so I'm not sure what she's officially weighing in at, but she is just so SOLID. And heavy. It surprises people when they attempt to hold her or pick her up. "Oh," they say. "Oh, my." This wouldn't be as much of a problem if I could, a) eat food, and b) she was not such a mama's girl.

Maggie has all sorts of food allergies/sensitivities so I'm on a super-restricted diet. And she's just now, at 10 months, starting to get interested in solids, which I'm afraid to give her because of all the food issues, and her being a gaggy baby.

So, just when I should be gorging myself, eating with abandon, attempting to sustain this Big Ass Baby with just my boobs, I am instead STARVING to death. I'm so tired of being hungry all the time!!

Things I cannot eat: dairy, wheat, oats, citrus, chocolate, fried foods (that last one is because of my system). No yogurt, no ice cream, no yummy big buttery breakfasts, no oatmeal, no potato chips, no CHOCOLATE. It is pretty much impossible for me to go out to eat, and I need to eat all day, so my life is consumed with thinking about, preparing, lusting after, worrying about, and shopping for food.

Boring-ass food. Rice, rice pasta, rice cereal, rice milk, apples, veggies, nuts (though I'm starting to worry about those, too), and poultry. I've just added in avocado for fat and fun. Sometimes we have salmon.

Maggie's just recently started allowing others to hold her (besides me and Danny), but only my mom and my friend Amala. And only for so long. Not that they can physically hold for long anyway. Because she's HUGE!

I have to hold her quite a bit at home because the three-year-old fucks with her. And I wear her in the Ergo carrier when I grocery shop, when we hike, when I have to do stuff with Audrey in her class or at the park. But I can put her on the floor/ground a lot more now that she's almost crawling and is content to scoot around.

The more we are out and about, the more I have to wear her, especially to get her to sleep, then I have to wear her for her whole nap. And we are out-and-about a lot these days because OH MY FUCKING GOD have you ever been home all day with a three-year-old??? Especially when there is a younger sibling to torment??

You might think this is leading to a complaint about my back, but it is my ASS that is killing me. I got hemorrhoids when I was preggo with Audrey, but they didn't last too long after she was born. As soon as I got pregnant with Maggie, they came back. And after birthing all ten pounds of her, they got really bad. And stayed that way for a long time, since I was either sitting on my ass nursing or walking around wearing that big baby. They're not as bad now, but they're not gone either, and I still get no rest, of course.

All that being said, I don't really mind any of it, because how can you say "no" to this face?

G.U.I.L.T.

2010-03-03T21:30:00.000-08:00

Being a first-born child of Scandinavian descent, I've always been really good at guilt. It got kicked up a notch after becoming a mom. But since having Maggie things have gone to a whole new level. I am tormented thinking about Audrey's birth and infancy, now that I'm doing things the "right way" with Maggie, and now that I've read WAY to many parenting books and articles in between. Poor Danny is very tired of hearing about the Permanent Psychological Damage I'm inflicting on our children.

If I was a mom that had really wanted to go back to work, or had no choice but to do so financially, I don't think I would be having this guilt. But somewhere along the way in my pregnancy I misplaced my brain. Majorly. I have no other way to explain WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED in my decision making.

Really, the reason must have been ego. "Heather, take this job, you'll be great, WE NEED YOU." Stupid ego! So I went against all my other feelings and took the job, which I already knew was a stressy, miserable one, even before adding a baby. I get SO mad thinking about all my energy and emotion that went into that place instead of into bonding with and being with my baby. Idiot!!! We never even crunched the numbers, just went along blindly with the mainstream notion of having to be two income. IDIOTS!

If I hadn't been working I could have gone to a new moms' group and gotten some much-needed support, probably would have figured out baby-wearing, might have avoided Audrey's major medical emergency because I would have been more tuned in, etc.

After having Maggie at home, I also feel tremendous guilt for the long, stressful hospital birth that was Audrey's entry into the world, plus all the crap they did to her in the hospital and having to drag her around to doctor appointments the first couple weeks.

Fortunately, I wasn't ever away from Audrey all that much, even though I was attempting to work 50%. But I don't like that I left her, even for a few hours with Danny and my mom a few times, when she was only a couple months old. After that, she was mostly with me in the office. When she was around nine months we finally got a nanny, but I don't feel as bad about that because she was older.

It's really the quality of my time with her that really bothers me. That super-shitty super-stressful job took so much of my mental and emotional energy and prevented me from fully immersing myself in the mommy-baby thing.

I'm sure lack of sleep and some PPD plays a part in this. It is a vicious cycle. That guilt starts up, causes me to lose sleep, then I'm fatigued and become even more consumed by these worries, causing me to lose more sleep, etc.

I know I should be happy and thankful to have two beautiful, healthy girls, a nice warm house, caring husband, etc., and I am, and when I'm well-rested, well-fed, had a bit of sunshine and fresh air, then the guilt subsides. And doing that job probably did help us get into this house, and did allow me to meet some folks who are now dear friends that I might not otherwise have met.

I think once Maggie is no longer in the baby-phase, things will improve also. But I also think I will forever live with a little hole in my heart about squandering my time with Baby Audrey for a bit of money and a line on my resume.

**Addendum: I think my feeling on this started out as guilt, but I am now in "grief." Hopefully I'll get to the "acceptance" stage soon.

Also, this is not a judgment on anybody else's situation, but about me not being honest with myself (and others) about what I wanted and did want want.

Snip snip

2010-02-24T20:09:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the big day. Danny is going to the chop shop. This is a decision we have made--over and over. I'll feel all fine with it, but then the "what-ifs" start. What if we decide we do want three (or four)? What if something happens to Audrey or Maggie? What if something happens to me and Danny remarries? These are HORRIBLE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT. So I'm going to STOP thinking about them and just be OK with this decision.

It makes me happy AND sad to think about not ever being pregnant again. But mostly happy. My second pregnancy SUCKED and I heard from another mom (of three) that her pregnancies just kept getting worse. When I think about us maybe jumping the gun on this, I just remember being pregnant and then I'm on board with it again.

We are just such fertile people. We never even got to try making a baby because we get knocked up so easily. (So that's a bit of a bummer--would have been fun to get to work at it (although who am I kidding? When do I ever even WANT sex these days?).)

Even though the midwives told me I probably wouldn't get my period until the same duration of time had passed as when I got it back after Audrey, I didn't want to trust that/count on that. I think it will take at least 13 months again, but heard from a woman the other day who was also over a year with her first and TWO MONTHS with her second!! So, totally justified in my paranoia.

The main reasons we don't want more than two are environmental, financial and logistical. Danny especially is concerned about the "not contributing to population growth" reason. I'm down with that, too, but also share my mom's view that maybe we need some cool, intelligent, educated people reproducing at a higher rate to counter the wacko religious fundy overbreeders. Part of the overpopulation thing is thinking about just how many resources go into all the stuff it takes to raise a kid these days. And I'm really working on reducing our consumption of stuff around here (yet another blog forthcoming about that, I hope!).

Financial, of course, thinking about paying for private school (possibly) and college and all that above-mentioned stuff.

Logistically speaking, THESE KIDS ARE KICKING OUR ASSES!!! and we can't imagine juggling a THIRD. With just two, we can each pin one to the ground, wrestle one into a car seat, get them to sleep at night, muzzle their mouths, etc.

That said, I am feeling So. Baby. Crazy these days. SOB. I remember feeling the same way when Audrey was about the age Maggie is now. The thought of not having another pudgy, squishy, kissy bundle of joy makes me a little sad, as does not getting to watch all the big changes and development, not seeing another personality emerge. But, it is also making me soak up Maggie and Audrey right now, more than I would be otherwise. Everything else is less of a priority, AS IT SHOULD BE!

Of course, there's always adoption, too, and if we are ever in a position (family-wise and finance-wise) to do that, we will seriously think about it. There was just a hard-hitting series of articles in the paper here about the foster care system and it Broke. My. Heart. to read about what these kids, who have already suffered through so much, have to endure in the system AND in some of the foster homes themselves. And then I read an article about all the international refuge kids the US is supposed to take in and find foster homes for and how there are just too many right now. No shortage of kids needing help, and I don't expect those numbers to decrease any time soon.

So, all that being said, today, on the eve of The Procedure, as I call it, I'm feeling pretty OK about it. Danny summed it up as, Our odds of one of those Bad Things happening are a lot less than our odds of getting pregnant again. Also, I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for FOUR years, and will be for at least another year. I LOVE being a mom, and being home with the girls, and breastfeeding, and all the kiddo activities, but I'm beginning to feel little twinges of excitement when I think about getting a bit of my non-mom life back: hikes with girlfriends, BEER!, dinners out (w/out kids!), taking some classes.... I'll be ready for that next chapter, but for now am loving the current one.

Maggie’s Birth Story, Plus First Few Weeks

2009-06-09T15:29:00.001-07:00

She’s finally here! I was so tired of being pregnant, and now I know why: ten pounds of baby bearing down on everything! I think that Tosi, one of my midwives, knew Maggie was big because during all of my last several visits with her she worked in stories about women who birthed ten, eleven pound babies—with no problem. She also totally nailed Maggie’s weight after she was born. Just as they were about to put her on the scale, she said, “Ten pounds…even,” and that’s what she was! Midwives are amazing!!

Tosi and Rachel, my other midwife, kept warning me to not be surprised if Maggie didn’t arrive until my due date, which they had as May 14. Their anecdotal evidence over the years has shown that if moms are breastfeeding when they conceive, the second child does not arrive earlier than the first, or early like the first, but hangs out a little longer. I didn’t want to believe them, but of course they were right again. I would have liked her born on the 11th, since that’s my favorite date, but when that didn’t happen I REALLY didn’t want her to be born on May 13 because that is Danny’s mom’s birthday. Not only was the lobbying for giving birth on that day annoying, I just wanted her to have her own b-day. (When Danny called his mom with the news she said, “Well, we can still celebrate on the same day….”)

So, the night of the 13th, with me still miserably pregnant, we decided to try kick-starting things with S-E-X! The first time in like FIVE months because of all my issues I’d been having. A couple hours later, I was asleep on the couch, having weird dreams about not wanting my mom to watch Audrey while I was birthing because my mom was drunk all the time (SO not my mom…). I woke up around 12:45 and felt a pop and thought it was my water breaking, but I didn’t feel a big gush like when it happened with Audrey. I lay there for a while, feeling a couple of contractions—far apart—and then got up to go pee, at which time I noticed my PJ bottoms were soaked! I paced around the house, leaking fluid, waiting to see how regular the contractions were going to get.

When the contractions hit a regular interval (about eight minutes apart) I woke up Danny. That was about 2:30 a.m., and he gave Tosi a call. She said to let her know when the contractions lasted a minute or longer, or got really intense, or we just felt we wanted her there. Danny puttered around preparing the blanket warmer, sterilizing the scissors, setting out supplies, etc., while I walked and rocked through increasingly intense contractions. Danny wanted to call Tosi back at 3:30, but I kept saying, “I don’t know…let me see how the next contraction is.” Around 4 a.m., after I threw up and the contractions were definitely lasting a minute, he said, “I’m calling NOW.”

About 15 minutes later there was knock and I knew it must be the other Rachel, the midwife-in-training who had been our doula for Audrey’s birth (she lives just a few blocks away). Doula-Rachel starting setting up the birth tub and Tosi arrived about 15 minutes later. Then we got into the big, wonderful difference between home and hospital birth: I walked around and rested and hung on Danny and/or a dining room chair during contractions, while the midwives did their thing, interrupting me only a couple times to listen to the baby’s heart rate. Tosi asked if I wanted her to give me a vaginal exam and the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, because I just knew things were progressing. She didn’t feel the need for one either. (With Audrey, the hospital nurses gave me one EVERY hour, even once when I was on the toilet!)

A little after five, it must have been, I got really hot and stripped of my pants, then I didn’t want my glasses on any more. Just a few minutes earlier, Danny had called my mom to tell her to head over because Audrey could wake up any time after six and we needed someone here for her. Then there was no break in contractions and everything was really intense and I suddenly started doing the grunting and lip blowing sounds. Danny was just thinking to himself, “Hmmmm….I wonder if this is happening soon?” when Tosi, hearing those sounds, was suddenly kneeling behind me, throwing down the splat mat, giving me the OK to push. They’d just finished getting the birth tub ready, but I couldn’t imagine myself climbing into something at that point, and Tosi could see the head already, so I said, “I just want to get on my hands and knees here.”

All this was going on in the living room/dining room. Danny got down on the floor with me next to the dining room table and I nearly squeezed his head off as I clung to his neck during pushes. The head seemed to take forever (although all the pushing was only 1/2 hour total), and it didn’t come all the way out! Her chin was still in! Another push got that out, then it took some more to get her out to her waist, and her right hand was up on her shoulder. She coughed and sputtered while halfway out, then finally one more push and she was all out. Very different than with Audrey, when I got the head out, then one more push and then rest of her poured out. At one point doula-Rachel and Tosi said, “Whoa whoa whoa,” and I held back pushing. (That was probably when I got my little tear, but it was small, not even requiring stitches.) Doula-Rachel made the catch, her first planned catch, and handed Maggie up to me between my legs. She totally looked like Audrey at her birth, but without the pointy head. It was love at first sight, of course, as I held her while the midwives rubbed her all over with blankets and she took her first breaths. Tosi had Danny come sit behind me and I lay back on him, and eventually we replaced him with an upturned chair. I didn’t think Maggie looked all that big as I held her, but she was pleasantly plump, not super new-borny looking. Tosi said it was a very gentle birth, the way it happened in stages like that.

My mom arrived about 13 minutes after Maggie was born, while I was impatiently waiting for the placenta to come out. We got Maggie latched on and I tried some pushing and finally it was out. It was healthy and HUGE!!! Tosi said they’re normally about as big as the spread of her hand, but this one went way beyond. The cord was long and thick, too. Tosi examined it and explained everything to Danny and my mom and me.

Audrey woke up around 6:30 and was a little weirded out be everything, I think, but Grandma was there to scoop her up. We showed her the baby, but she was more interested in the lit candles on the table. Tosi disappeared into the kitchen and came out with a platter of fruit, cheese and cookies she’d found, with a candle in the center and we all sang “Happy Birthday” to Maggie.

Here’s the other great part with the homebirth: When I was ready to get off the floor and try peeing, I then got to head to my own bed! Where I hung out with my new baby, hubby, daughter and mom, while the midwives cleaned up, did paperwork, and lastly, did the newborn exam, after me getting a couple hours to bond with Maggie.

I was surprised, and not surprised, when they told me she was 10 pounds. I didn’t think I looked that big! But I hadn’t been worried about the size at all—I knew my body could push out whatever was in there. But, I have to say, when she is stretched out next to me in bed I stare at her thinking, “Holy shit!! How were you inside me?? You are huge!!” She seriously looked like a six- or eight-week old when she was two weeks old.

The first week with Audrey was a little rough. Before the birth, Danny and I both had worries of, “Oh, how will we ever love any child as much as Audrey?” But after the birth, I totally couldn’t handle being around her! Part of it was feeling intense empathy for her, with her whole world turned upside down, but part of it was just not being able to handle a big noisy bouncing toddler. I just wanted to be holed away with my newborn, which the situation kind of necessitates. It was much better by the second week. I can tear myself from Maggie now, can handle Audrey again and try to fit in some just Audrey time whenever possible (though it isn’t much yet, and is constantly interrupted).

Danny is back at work and things are not easy. I was hoping Maggie would be a better sleeper than Audrey, but so far, no luck. She’s super sensitive to burps and poops and will stay awake for hours if either is bothering her, so I spend twice as much time tending to her as I should be. Not only does it cut into Audrey time, but also my time to eat, pee, shower, sleep, etc. I’m remembering now why Zesty Jenny would call her newborn the Tiny Dictator: everything is non-stop with a newborn! It is one thing after another! I think Maggie is even more high maintenance than Audrey, which I didn’t think was possible. Due to this, I started TOTALLY freaking out about the upcoming move, so we are hiring people to pack and move our shit—going for broke, but oh so less stressful!

With Maggie being so demanding, though, I’m physically and emotionally exhausted so the only tone of voice I have for Audrey, in all her two-year-old-ness, is exasperation, which isn’t fair or healthy—I don’t want her to learn to communicate that way! I vow to be better every day, but the days keep kicking my ass!!! Danny is taking at least three more weeks off starting next week, so life should improve dramatically then. Not that it is as bad as all that makes it seem. We have accepted a life of squalor and expensive convenience diet and are really really happy to be with our two girls, accomplishing one step forward each day for the two we take back. And we are enjoying soaking up all the newborn goodness—the sounds, the softness, the sleeping on the chest, the facial expressions. Adorable!!

I’ll hopefully start the family blog soon and send out a bunch of photos because these girls are ridiculously cute!!! Ya’ know, with all my free time…

Frou Frou Hoo Hoo

2009-03-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

Well, this most certainly falls under the TMI category, but I'm sharing with all ya'll any way.

As part of the SEVEN months of health hell we have been going through around here, I've spent three months of that suffering some hard-to-diagnose problem in my, um, private parts. The doctors keep f'ing up the cultures, but then prescribing drugs anyway, which have not worked. So when the latest not-very-scientific diagnosis was given ("probably a bacterial infection of some sort..."), I decided not to inflict any more pharmies on my unborn child. My midwife has recommended some tinctures (that I still need to hunt down) to help with itching, and then yesterday told me about a natural remedy for various infections in that region (including strep b, which is nice, because we don't want that going on while birthing!). Her advice? Garlic. And I don't mean eating lots of it. Whole cloves baby, right up the box!

So, I think, "No problem." One in the morning, then switch it for a new one before bed; repeat for five or six days. I'm not ooky about my anatomy and would try anything at this point to end the misery that is my crotch, so I merrily popped one in. She also recommended rinsing with lavender oil, which also has antibacterial properties, so I mixed that up with some water in my peri bottle and spritz a little of it on after each pee. (Wow! Do I ever smell good!!)

After inserting the first clove of garlic yesterday, and feeling a bit like a human crock pot, I went out to run errands. While I was in line at the bank, I felt the clove begin to slowly work its way out. (Oh, I should mention that another thing I'm trying is going without undies, so everything can breath a little more.) So now I'm panicking that this clove of garlic is going to come all the way out and drop to the floor from my pant leg, right there in the bank. A clove of garlic, by the way, doesn't feel so good moving through that region of the anatomy! It's got pointy parts, and bends and stuff. I managed to keep it in 'til we got to the car, by which point, I SMELLED OF GARLIC!

So, now my plan is to just do this at night, when I'm safely laying down and gravity can't work against me.

We are alive...

2009-01-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

Much illness + no more Audrey naps + preggo lady early bedtimes = no blog posting for forever!!

We seriously have not gone more than a couple days since September without someone falling ill, or me suffering morning sickness. Just when I think life is back on track and I'm just starting to get my house back in order, BAM! Stomach flu. Colds. Scary weirdo rash. Seriously. How many illnesses and maladies can one family get in a five-month stretch? Let's recap:

Mid-September, the morning sickness kicked in. Then I got the weird sinus thing that made me think my teeth were rotting out of my head. Followed by a UTI, then a yeast infection (woo-hoo!). That brought us to November, when Audrey and I got colds just as the morning sickness was beginning to ease a bit. We had a couple day reprieve, just in time to head to the inlaws for Thanksgiving, and then back at home we both got colds AGAIN!!! This was followed immediately by the stomach flu, just in time for Christmas.

January, YAY! New Year, everyone is healthy, oops, wait, why is Audrey complaining that her back hurts and tugging at her diaper a lot? We thought UTI (worried that the back pain was her kidneys) and had her go on antibiotics, but now I'm not so sure she ever even had one, because on the last day (day 10) of the meds, she got a little rash. These innocent-looking handful of spots suddenly exploded into huge hideous hive-type splotches all over her body. She was itchy and miserable. Then her left knee swelled up to the size of an apple. We hauled her to the doc, thinking it was a reaction to the amoxicillin, but she was diagnosed with anaphylactic purpura, which usually follows an upper respiratory infection, but it had been a while since her cold, so it still could be from the meds. A day later, an arm and a foot and the other knee swelled and got really painful and she couldn't walk or sit up on her own or use her hands. SO SAD!!! But then the rash just vanished, and finally all the swelling went away.

This illness is a hyper immune reaction, causing the body to attack blood vessels, usually in the skin, but it can also target ones in the kidneys and intestines, so we had to take her in for blood tests and had to get her to pee in a cup. She's MAJORLY anti-potty training, so we had to strip her of her diaper and lock ourselves in the bathroom with her when we knew she had to pee until she could hold it no longer, proceeded by much crying and wailing (not just by Audrey). We could be fucked for potty training for quite some time following all that trauma. But we got the sample!! And kidney function looks fine!! (Why does this girl insist on contracting illnesses that threaten the kidneys?? It will be a miracle if she doesn't have kidney problems as an adult....) So we don't know if the original complaints we thought were UTI were the start of the purpura thing (can cause abdominal pain), or if that was an added bonus, or if the purpura came from the meds.

With all the stress and sleepless nights of worry, Audrey-cuddling and 2 am medicine doses, I was not taking care of my own health at all, and now I have an evil cold that is NOT going away, causing more sleepless nights. Sigh.

It feels like the sickliest pregnancy EVER, but I keep reminding myself that I'm not having any serious preggo complications, like many women suffer. I'm almost to the third trimester already! Crazy!!! I don't think I'm eating enough with all that is going on, but still the belly grows, and little "Maggie" seems to be doing quite well in there, doing gymnastics, running on a treadmill, throwing punches, at ALL hours of the day.

One of these days, I'll try to get a belly photo with the rest of me in it, but I have been highly unattractive for months now with all the illness, plus preggo acne (fun!) and bad hair. Here's a recent photo of Audrey, just before the rash struck.

Clean Sheets!!....OKAY?!?!

2008-12-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I changed the sheets on the bed where Audrey and I sleep, for the first time in, oh, almost three months! (I did change the pillow cases at least once during that time; those get gross.) That is just how crappy I have been feeling for the past three months, willing to sleep in all manner of disgusting things, willing to put my CHILD to bed in such sheets, because I was not up for changing them. But now, just this week, I am finally feeling pretty darn good! (Although, as I write this, I can tell I'm coming down with Audrey's latest cold. Grrr....) The morning sickness and fatigue have abated!! My kitchen is 80% totally scrubbed clean for the first time since August, I did three or four loads of laundry yesterday, Audrey had a bath, my house is half-way decorated for Christmas---all this in just two days!!! Amazing!!! [You know how good it feels to climb into clean sheets? Imagine MY pleasure last night, slipping into clean sheets after so many months of the same, nasty bedding!!!!]

But, all is not clean-sheet bliss around here. With the passing of the morning sickness has come new fun: acne and major bitchiness. It's like I'm thirteen all over again, only this time without the bad perm (shudder...). I feel so sorry for Audrey and Danny, who are bearing the brunt of my snappiness. Audrey is transitioning out naps and has a cold, so she is WHINY and crying for half the day, and my tolerance for that kind of communication is very low. Poor girl! Danny made some comment to me about our house-hunt the other night and I about bit his head off. "Was that an annoying thing to say," he asked, genuinely perplexed by my heated reaction.

I really think the mega-bitch problem is due to low blood sugar. I am so FREAKIN' hungry ALL the time--even right after I eat, which is SO annoying. I can't eat any of the high-fat, high-cal yummy foods that could provide extra calories (ice cream, cheese, butter, potato chips) because of the skin prob. My house is stocked with super healthy foods that probably take as many calories to prepare as I get from eating them. If you have any stick-with-you food suggestions, please let me know! My family thanks you in advance.

Population Control

2008-12-01T15:59:00.000-08:00

After having Audrey, I was feeling kind of sad about having only two kids, since that's what Danny and I agreed to, and that's what makes sense. But when she was about one-year-old, everyone around me was pregnant and I went SO baby crazy, thinking, "Why should the religious wackos be the only ones to have ten kids? Shouldn't the enlightened, intelligent, progressive among us also birth a 'quiver-full' to counteract the scary, miseducated conservative Christians over-populating the country?" (Read Mark Morford's excellent columns on liberals breeding, and on the Duggar family.)

But NOW, now that I am actually knocked up again, I am saying THANK GOD that Danny only wants two kids because I am NEVER doing this again!!! I am wondering how that Duggar woman has spent so many years of her life pregnant. Because it is a pain in the ass! And it makes you feel...not right a lot of the time. But I guess pregnant-weird is her normal.

I think if Danny were not an environmentalist, he might want me to pop out even more kiddos, because dude is BABY crazy!! He gets more excited around babies than I do these days. Mr. Mush. [I am actually feeling excited about Baby Two, also. We'll hopefully find out the gender in a couple weeks, and we've started talking to Audrey about it.]

So, when the times comes, Danny has volunteered to go under the knife to make sure we don't inadvertently follow in the, um, footsteps of the Duggars. I worry a little about the possible finality of such a procedure (especially if something were to happen to me, god forbid, and Danny remarried), but we are just TOO fertile to not take such measures!!! And, Danny already has a support group at work, some guys calling themselves The Clipper Club. Thanks, hon!

Technical matter: comments

2008-11-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

I've changed the commenting option so that anyone can leave a comment without having to be a registered anything. So, you know, leave some comments, ya'll.

Oh, come ON!

2008-11-17T16:22:00.000-08:00

I have a back log of posts (not to mention things to do around the house) that I'm never going to get to, it seems, as it is one thing after another here. Sheesh. I FINALLY got over the UTI, but being on the antibiotics gave me a yeast infection (joy), which I just finally got over yesterday and had begun to think of all the things I could get to starting today, since the morning sickness is also almost all gone (but not totally yet), and then I came down with Audrey's cold last night!!! She's also been doing some CRAZY teething, waking up in hysterics in the middle of the night, so I'm too tired to do much of anything. And then my car broke down, so we couldn't go anywhere anyway. Turns out it was just the battery, so if we are ever healthy and well rested, we will go somewhere! I really have quite a lot of shit to take care of before this second kid arrives, so ENOUGH with the health issues already!!!

Say What?!?

2008-11-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

Like most parents, we have to be careful what we say around Audrey because she is very very good at repeating things. I know a lot of kids are parrots when it comes to picking up things we'd rather not hear them saying, as well as the funny things we egg on, but Audrey seems quite extraordinary at memorizing what she hears. She can recite whole poems, nursery rhymes, and song lyrics. She picks up rather adult turns-of-phrase and then uses them in appropriate situations, to our amusement. One of her favorite lines right now is "I can't quite believe it!", which she got from a favorite book of poems. She's managed to pull that out at some opportune times. Another one is, "It's a little bit tart."

So, combine that with the Election Fever that is raging in our household, and it is endless make-your-toddler-say-funny-shit fun. Danny and I spend WAY too much time these days talking politics, pouring over newspapers and news magazines, logging onto to FiveThirtyEight.com, and staying up past bedtime to watch iTunes downloads of the Daily Show and Colbert Report. My folks being over here a lot to lend a hand has not helped matters either, as we sit around with them and compare the latest polls, articles and TV segments everyone has just seen.

Every so often, Audrey will exclaim, "Obama!" (Okay, so we taught her that one; it's a fun word to say!) But now she's starting to say, "John McCain!" a lot, especially as a kind of call-and-response thing after we say Obama. This was a bit embarrassing at the co-op the other night, where the clientele are decidedly leftist, with Audrey loudly, repeatedly exclaiming, "JOHN MCCAIN!!!" We're trying to teach her to spit and say "blech" every time she says John McCain, but so far no go.

The other morning at breakfast she was babbling away as she does all day long, and I thought I heard her say a certain phrase, but then thought, Naw... Then she said it again, clear as day: "Did you see that Daily Show?" Later on, she started adding, "It was so funny!" Oh lord.

Related item: we have a lot of loud Harley's in our neighborhood (NOTHING compared to the biker house that ZestyJenny lives near! Ours are just a bunch of mid-life-crisis doctors and dentists from the tony part of town we are next to). They annoy us with their loudness at all hours of the day and night; even Audrey notices them and says, "Noisy!" It has been VERY difficult for me to not teach her to say, "ASSHOLE!" every time she hears one. It would be soooo easy, but I refrain.... She'll probably pick it up anyway eventually, because that's the response those things always generate from me and Danny (just a little more under our breath these days).

"B" is for Boobie

2008-10-30T14:51:00.001-07:00

Audrey's current best friend is a little red Elmo doll. If you know our stance on licensed characters, you may be wondering about Elmo's presence in our home. After Audrey was born I unearthed a box of stuffed animals from my teen and college years; among the bears and bunnies was Elmo. (A life-long Muppet fan, I have a vague recollection of some phase in my early 20s in which I thought Elmo was SO cute that I had to have a little toy doll of him. WTF?) Anyway, Elmo got tossed in the thrift-store pile, which of course never got hauled away, and that is where Audrey discovered him. It was love at first sight. She hugs him and says, "Elmo....he's pretty special."

So, the other day, as I lay on the couch, as I'm wont to do these days (see: "Beware of Thingies" post), Audrey was busy being a very good mommy to Elmo. She would have a drink of water, then Elmo would, back and forth. Then she looked at me. "Elmo wants milk." Being a sport, I said "sure" and held Elmo up to my shirt. Not what she had in mind. "Open it!" she commanded, lifting up my shirt and positioning Elmo on my NIPPLE (conveniently right there, since I never wear a bra these days...). As I lay there with Elmo latched on in the "side-lying" position, I was thinking that after two years of nursing this kid, my boobs had probably seen it all. But then I realized that with Audrey's imagination and vocabulary growing by leaps and bounds every day, lord only knows what's yet in store for my tits!! At least Elmo doesn't have teeth....

What a Week!

2008-10-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

We survived a four-day visit from the in-laws (let me know if you need any parenting advice, as I heard more than my share).

Audrey had one doctor appointment and I had three. I have to see an OB in addition to my midwives in order for any tests that I might want to be covered by insurance. Grrr.... The OB I was randomly assigned is this really young (REALLY young), nice, cute guy, so I feel a little bad that I'm just using him.... (I was going to put his picture here, but he's the one doc in the office without his picture online.) Audrey had her two-year check-up; "she's perfect!" the doc says. She never did come down with the dreaded Hand, Foot & Mouth disease. Cousin Phoenix is all better, but we're still going to wait awhile before going to visit them, in case any germs are lingering in their house.

I came down with a UTI, tried some natural remedies but things only got worse, so now am on antibiotics, which totally freaks me out in regard to Mr. Fetus, but I have been hearing from other moms who had to be on them while preggo and did not have mutant babies. Oh, and they make me feel ill (on top of the morning sickness), so that's fun. But, an untreated UTI can lead to mental retardation in the babe, so that's really not good.

Audrey's been doing some MAJOR teething and is bounding into some new "terrific twos" territory. ("My, she has a lot of opinions," said Grandma after babysitting her on Friday.) The other day at lunch, she sat in her chair and looked right at me while doing several things in a row that she knows drive me crazy: smeared soup all over herself, dumped out her water, threw a dish on the floor and tugged on her nipples. I think a lot of the "twos" stuff has to do with teething pain, and lack of sleep from teething, and having cabin fever from being stuck at home with me all day, almost every day.

Danny had his knee surgery on Friday, which ended up actually being on one of the easier situations of the week. They did the chop job this time instead of a repair, which means his knee is not delicate like before and he can use it right away. He didn't even need any of his pain medication, which bummed him out, since it was codeine that made him feel sooooo good after the one pill he did pop. (Spared me from having to hear a lot of babbling.) Most importantly, I told every nurse and anesthesiologist that came around in pre-op about just HOW PUKING SICK he was after his knee surgery three years ago (because NO WAY could I handle that right now), so they gave him an anti-nauseous patch behind his ear and looked up his medical record to give him totally different drugs in surgery this time. WOW! What a difference! I could tell as soon as he came out of surgery that he was way less dopey. No puking whatsoever, and by Saturday he was pretty much back to life as usual. He and Audrey played out in the yard a bunch yesterday, we took a walk to the coffee shop, etc. He still has a limp and has to be careful not to squat or twist for a few weeks, but otherwise, is doing great! We ended up doing disposables for only one day, because he's fine doing laundry, and Audrey HATED them. She kept trying to pull them off, saying, "It feels funny." And we missed seeing her cute big booty.

We just kept telling ourselves all week how easy life is going to seem in a few weeks when I'm feeling better and his knee is all better and (hopefully) Audrey's teeth are in.

Oh, and I have a bump! It probably doesn't look like anything to you, but it's a definite bump! This is more belly than I usually have!

Check this out!!

2008-10-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

My mom and her friend Eunice---who is on VACATION, visiting from NoDak---came over Friday morning and CLEANED MY HOUSE! I should have taken some "before" photos, because it did not look like a home that was about to have house guests for the weekend or host a birthday dinner/party for Audrey. Mom and Eunice did dishes, dusted the living room and dining room, vacuumed, washed floors, cleaned the bathroom and got hideous spots out of my carpet with my mom's little mini steam cleaner! Wow! Thanks, ladies! Audrey was playing in the playroom later and said, "The mess is allllll gone."

This is why I am stuck in Excremento. My folks have been helping us out in a big way since I've been feeling crappy and Danny hurt his knee. They bring us food, do my dishes, haul our dirty clothes to their house to launder. They showed up yesterday with ALL the food for the party: lasagna, salad, bread, wine, cupcakes... They and Seth and Heidi drive across town to pick up Audrey and get her out of the house for a change of scenery. My mom might take some time off work after Danny's surgery to come take care of all of us, if I'm still not feeling great. My folks are our only baby sitter (not that we go out all that much). NO WAY can we give all that up! Plus, Audrey is head-over-heels for all of them. Sigh. But why'd it have to be SACRAMENTO where we all ended up???

[We wanted to have a big bash for Audrey's b-day like we did last year, but weren't up for it, so poor Audrey had mostly people over age 60 at her 2nd birthday celebration, which actually wasn't too bad, because she got LOTS of attention. Also in attendance but not pictured here are Danny and Cousin Ava (4 mos.).]

[HF&M disease update: we are so far not catching it! Yay! Poor Phoenix is SOOOOOO sick. Uncle Seth really really really did not want to miss Audrey's b-day party, but we forbid him to attend. No plague here, please! I'm taking A in for her 2-year check-up tomorrow and am not going to let her touch ANYTHING in the waiting room or doctor's office, since this scourge is rampaging all through town!!!!]

OH, HAPPY DAY!! Oh wait....DAMN!

2008-10-16T15:34:00.000-07:00

So, I was a total stressball last night and early this morning, worrying about this little volunteer-training/shift-coverage crisis that came up at the moms center where I'm the volunteer coordinator and how it looked like I was going to have to haul my nauseous butt out there to do the training, but CRAP I told Danny he could take the car to work so I'd have to contact the folks about borrowing a car and how would the timing of all that work with my dentist appointment I had for getting some cavities checked out and SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on me for getting cavities while pregnant in the first place because now I had to research and stress about what kind of toxic filling to get (the mercury amalgam, or the BPA-laden composite resin, or go for broke and find a dentist that could do gold fillings (and put some *bling* in my smile!)), and with all that going on, how would I write the press release for my client for sending on Friday? Gah! Toss, turn, toss, turn.

But then, this morning, I had an email from another volunteer saying she could do the training (THANK YOU!!!) and help cover some of the shift. And, I managed to get a start on the press release AND give Audrey a bath (miracle of miracles!!). AND THEN, I went to the dentist and not only do I not not have cavities, I don't have pregnancy gingivitis or ANYTHING ELSE wrong with my teeth or gums. The pain in my mouth is likely due to my SINUSES and I need to see my doctor. HALLELUJAH!!!!! I don't have to poison my fetus AND I'm not a dental hygiene fuck-up!

BUT THEN, less than a half hour into my cavity-free bliss, I talked to my brother and found out that his son, Phoenix--Audrey's cousin and bestest pal--was just diagnosed with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. Ack! And we were just over there playing with Phoenix for a couple hours on Monday, thinking how cute it is that they like to give each other hugs and kisses! Ack! Ack! The incubation period is 3-7 days, so we won't know for a while if we are out of the woods. Then my brother just called me back to say, "I don't want to freak you out, but I just heard from a woman at work that HF&M is dangerous for pregnant women, so call your midwife." ACK ACK ACK! [I just did a little poking around online, and I don't know if I need to freak out that much; I'm more freaked about poor Audrey getting it and having to suffer for a week.]

So, we'll wait and see what the midwives say, and whether Audrey gets it. In the meantime, it's back to worry worry, stress stress stress! (Oh, and did I mention my inlaws are coming into town tomorrow for a four-night visit??)

Beware of Thingies!!!

2008-10-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

I am not happy with certain parts of my husband’s anatomy right now. I had deliberated for months about a plan, carefully weighing all factors, and that plan was to not get pregnant until summer 2009. I knew I did not want to be pregnant while chasing after a two-year-old, especially one that is still breastfeeding (A LOT, at times), teething and in diapers. Then, lo, one fateful, fertile August weekend, Danny decided to engage in some risky behavior, knowing full well we were in the Danger Zone. There were all sorts of famous-last-words type assurances made, and I put a stop to things quickly, but it was TOO LATE. This man’s little swimmers are major overachievers—the Michael Phelps of “man seed,” if you will. I knew as soon as I was one day late.

The first bit of fun was breast “tenderness” combined with a teething, nursing toddler. MY GOD. The pain! I was in tears most nights after nursing her at bedtime. When Audrey’s teething—which is always—she falls asleep on the boob with her jaw clamped shut. I seriously thought I was going to lose a nipple.

Then came the “morning” sickness. Like last time, I never actually throw up; I’m just really tired and nauseous for most of the day. Every diaper change is excruciating, even the wet ones. I keep the diaper bin out on the front porch—and hope the mail person can’t smell it! I mistakenly let Audrey eat whole cloves of roasted garlic one night and her diapers the next day were incredible. I hope I’m not ruined on garlic for life!

I don’t want to discourage anyone from “tandem nursing,” because every baby and pregnancy is different, but personally, so far, IT SUCKS! Breastfeeding and morning sickness do NOT go well together! I’m hungry all the time, but nothing sounds good to eat, let alone cook. I can’t even think about what I might possibly want to eat, because just doing that makes me ill. And being home with Audrey, I have to prepare food for her to eat. Blech. And she always wants mac-n-cheese, which I find especially nauseating.

Morning sickness and TEETHING do not go well together, either. Girl is up all night in pain, so I’m not getting near the rest I need.

About a week after I discovered that I was preggo, Danny came home from work limping. He blew his knee out while shooting hoops at lunch—same injury he had a few years ago and had surgery for. He’s having surgery again in a couple weeks. He’s being a trooper and trying to take care of things around the house, but he can only do so much after working all day and then hobbling around in discomfort. He has still managed to keep up on the cloth diapers, which is amazing. (We will go to disposable when he has his surgery!)

But meanwhile, the place is in shambles! The kitchen and bathroom border on unsanitary at times! Audrey gets a bath about once a week. I manage to shower a little more frequently. I think I’m getting a couple cavities, from snacking all night to keep the blood sugar up, eating mint candy all day and poor hygiene due to feeling gaggy. Laundry is piled EVERYWHERE. I had just started doing some freelance work and fortunately got the really big projects done before illness set in.

Family members come by to rescue Audrey so she doesn’t have to spend all day, every day, playing by herself while I lie on the couch. Fortunately, she can entertain herself for hours and hours with her animals and babies and books. I can actually do quite a bit with her while I’m on the couch: we do lots of coloring, read lots of books, sing songs. By the time I’m feeling better, I think she’ll know the alphabet, be able to count to 20 and have the entire flora and fauna of the Audubon guides to the PNW and California memorized.

Oh, and we are actually excited about Baby Two, Danny being the one experiencing most of that emotion right now. Audrey knows I’m pregnant, but doesn’t know what that means. Haven’t figured out when we’ll tell her yet, but she's a smarty-pants, so we should do it soon. We are home-birthing this time and have AWESOME midwives.

Last time the sickness lasted until week 15; I’m at about week nine now, but am improving slightly, so maybe it will be over sooner this time. I just want to be able to eat again…and to dance with Audrey when she asks me to.